Another Random Muse

This post has no purpose, I am writing this because I feel like writing something.

How many times have you felt something like, its good to be alone. I am not talking of forever alone people. Those who are socially awkward or those who don’t like other people’s company. Loners basically. I certainly don’t fall into that category. I¬†am a person who mingles around with people quite easily. I don’t judge them and at times I try not to judge them. Yes, I am opinionated, assertive and tad too straight forward but is it wrong ?

I trust people easily. Be nice to me and I will trust you with my life, I have often been betrayed by people but the way things have been going from quite some time have left me speechless. I just don’t feel like talking to anyone. Be it family or friends. I am always lost in books or any sort of reading. You would hardly see me talking sense these days. I do not like going out, if I do, I go alone. Food therapy always works for me, thanks to god it is still working for me. Retail therapy, I tried and liked it too, but I am too wrecked to give it a shot again. Money isn’t important for me, it never was and I guess it will never be. I want two peaceful meals of my choice daily. I will happily eat raw onion with stale chapattis.But if given a choice, I would always go for a nice comfortable place where you can sit and eat peacefully.

Since last two months, I have been reading relentlessly. Read over 50 books, writing constantly on my blog. People are liking it and so am I. People are asking me again and again whats wrong but I really don’t know what is wrong. Everything seems so wrong. I don’t know where I am heading, what I am doing. Was working on a few things on work front but the way they turned out left me aghast. I feel betrayed and I feel like people have used me and when things didn’t turned out well, they dumped me or I dumped them. I am too frustrated and angry but I don’t how to take them out of my system. I cannot be rude to people. I can’t shout at them. I live with my family so I have to behave myself all the time. Though, I have the most supportive family one can ever dream of but at times I just don’t feel like sharing things with them. They get worried very easily.

Twitter was my escape from everything, I used to pour out my anger, frustration, thoughts there. Now because of a certain fear of being judged I have stopped doing that. Not that I care what others think about me but there is a certain responsibility associated with when people look up to you for things. I am not a perfect human being. Nobody is. But yes I do what I feel is right. I am not a Gyaan Guru, but if I feel something is right, I’ll speak about it, I’d stand for it and will go out of my way to do that. Fighting against odds is in my blood and I come out as an achiever every time I do something. But still I am not satisfied. Its not good to be satisfied. The day you are satisfied with everything going around you, you are ready to die.

I think reading and writing is something that is forcing me to explore myself. I am writing too many things. Reading too much. I am not sharing my writings with anyone and I don’t think I am ever going to do that. Internet is helping me a lot but I think I am too addicted to the internet. I am always connected and I am always prompt in responding. I don’t like to delay things. If it is meant to be done, I would do it without any delays. Thats how I like my things. Its sad, people delay stuff and later they regret it. I am a firm believer of “life moves on and you have to keep moving with it”. I am also trying to move on but in which direction, I am clueless.

I think the first step towards figuring and sorting everything out is delete the word expectations from my dictionary. Hope is a positive word but expectations isn’t. I think I do not expect anything from anyone but deep down I think I do. I am a compassionate person,¬†empathetic and helpful too but it breaks me when people take me for granted. They say things which I just don’t like but I just laugh them off because I don’t want to get into any sort of discussion or argument about anything. My brain has stopped responding to such things now. All I need is some “Me” time. I am so longing for a holiday. All alone in the lap of nature. I just want to run away from everything, everyone. Find my real self, come back again and kick some ass. I think I should do that and will definitely share my experience here.

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